One of my favorite advice columns is Slate’s “Dear Prudence,” written by Emily Yoffe. In today’s column, she hears from a man in his 30’s who feels conflicted about the age-old question of whether to pick up the tab on dinner dates. While acknowledging the kindness of such a gesture, he also views it as somewhat of a relic of a bygone era. He also understands the practical effects of always being the one to pay – namely, the emptying effect it has on his wallet.
Before providing some of my thoughts on this dilemma, let me say from the outset that I’ve never been a fan of dinner on the first date (although, truth be told, my first date with my eventual wife was dinner at a Mexican restaurant – and I happily paid).
Why? Most of the time, I just think it’s too stiff/formal. The conversation feels more like a job interview (i.e. what do you do, what did you do before doing what you do now, what are your interests, where are you from, can you start in two weeks…well, maybe not that last one, but you get the idea). Even the simple act of opening the menu leads to broken eye contact and heavy silence. Instead of ordering what you’re in the mood for, you choose a meal that will make the least amount of mess. Complimentary chips and/or bread go untouched because nobody wants to look unmannered. Announcing that you have to go to the bathroom feels embarrassing and just plain weird!
Nevertheless, it’s still the go-to first date idea, and the “who pays?” questions is the elephant in the room. So what to do when the bill arrives?
My biggest piece of advice to both men and women: know what you’re going to do before the server brings it over. Talk about awkward: is there anything more so than the check just sitting there with nobody reaching for it? If you’re intent on treating, pick it up as soon as it comes, and hand it right back (one tip for guys: keep your credit card in your pocket, so you don’t even have to bother with pulling out and fumbling through your wallet). If you both reach for it at the same time, each with the intent of treating…well, that’s a sign things are going well, isn’t it? If you’d prefer to split it, make that known right away, too – and always make it 50-50, no matter who had the second drink or the side dish.
That all being said, is there still an expectation that the guy should pay for dinner? Maybe so. Should such an expectation even exist in 2011? You could make an argument either way. Whatever side of that debate you may be on, however, I’m a firm believer there’s nothing at all wrong – and a lot still right – with men doing the gentlemanly thing when the check arrives.
Hi there ETG,
ReplyDeleteI'll admit I wasn't expecting to enjoy this (an advice column on Blogspot linked off the comments section of Dear Prudence? ;) ), but you write very well. Please keep it up!
Anyway, about the 'who pays' question: I'm female, late 20's, happily married, and to me it's always been you ask, you pay. I think some of the friction and resentment with this idea comes about because there's still the expectation that men should ask out women, and then they have to pay because hey, they asked. Not fair to my mind (but then, I asked out my share of men, including my husband).
My experience has always been that if someone is not willing to pay when they ask you out, that it what it will be like for the entire time you know them. As a woman, if I ever offered to pay for the first date, I paid forever after, even if the guy asked me out. Those relationships didn't last long, so I quit doing that. If the guy paid for the first date, he either usually paid (and I would cook him meals, or bring him coffee or whatnot), or we would alternate (which is also OK by me).
ReplyDeleteI'd say it depends on the person. I wanted a man with enough courage to ask me out. That told me this person wanted my company enough to do something concrete about it. Other people may not care. That's how you find the right person.
If you want to split 50-50, you should say, straight up "I'd like to get to know you better. Would you like to join me for a dutch treat, no obligation dinner?" If you want to treat, your say "I'd like to take you out to dinner. Would you like to go?" If you want them to pay, you say....nope, I cannot think of anyway to say that without sounding tacky.
Wow, honesty. What a concept. People could actually gauge you on what you are really like.