Who Pays for Dinner?

One of my favorite advice columns is Slate’s “Dear Prudence,” written by Emily Yoffe. In today’s column, she hears from a man in his 30’s who feels conflicted about the age-old question of whether to pick up the tab on dinner dates. While acknowledging the kindness of such a gesture, he also views it as somewhat of a relic of a bygone era. He also understands the practical effects of always being the one to pay – namely, the emptying effect it has on his wallet.

Before providing some of my thoughts on this dilemma, let me say from the outset that I’ve never been a fan of dinner on the first date (although, truth be told, my first date with my eventual wife was dinner at a Mexican restaurant – and I happily paid).   

Why? Most of the time, I just think it’s too stiff/formal. The conversation feels more like a job interview (i.e. what do you do, what did you do before doing what you do now, what are your interests, where are you from, can you start in two weeks…well, maybe not that last one, but you get the idea). Even the simple act of opening the menu leads to broken eye contact and heavy silence. Instead of ordering what you’re in the mood for, you choose a meal that will make the least amount of mess. Complimentary chips and/or bread go untouched because nobody wants to look unmannered. Announcing that you have to go to the bathroom feels embarrassing and just plain weird!

Nevertheless, it’s still the go-to first date idea, and the “who pays?” questions is the elephant in the room. So what to do when the bill arrives?

My biggest piece of advice to both men and women: know what you’re going to do before the server brings it over. Talk about awkward: is there anything more so than the check just sitting there with nobody reaching for it? If you’re intent on treating, pick it up as soon as it comes, and hand it right back (one tip for guys: keep your credit card in your pocket, so you don’t even have to bother with pulling out and fumbling through your wallet). If you both reach for it at the same time, each with the intent of treating…well, that’s a sign things are going well, isn’t it? If you’d prefer to split it, make that known right away, too – and always make it 50-50, no matter who had the second drink or the side dish.

That all being said, is there still an expectation that the guy should pay for dinner? Maybe so. Should such an expectation even exist in 2011? You could make an argument either way. Whatever side of that debate you may be on, however, I’m a firm believer there’s nothing at all wrong – and a lot still right – with men doing the gentlemanly thing when the check arrives.   

Hello World (Part III)

In Part I, I explained the purpose of this blog. In Part II, I told you a little bit about me. For this third and final installment of introductory posts,  here's how the process will work:

You can contact me directly at the following email address: dearequaltimeguy@gmail.com. As the email address makes clear, you can address each letter simply: "Dear Equal Time Guy..." Each letter I receive will be posted on the blog, along with my response. Again, your letters to me will get posted, so don't include anything that you wouldn't want others to see. Depending on how often I receive questions, my aim is to post regularly - at least a couple of times per week, and hopefully more so if traffic increases.

The comments section for each post will be open as well. They will be moderated by me to ensure that the conversation remains clean and civil. I welcome a diverse range of opinions, and I certainly won't hesitate to allow comments that disagree with me - as long as they're respectful.

That's basically it - pretty simple and straightforward, I hope. I am really excited to kick things off. The blog is set. My inbox is open. Love is in the air.

Let's go find it.

Helo World (Part II)

If you've gotten this far, I'm both shocked and pleased :)

I figure if I'm going to ask you to put your faith in my advice, you deserve to know at least a little bit about me.

As mentioned in Part I, I'm a guy. I'm in my late-20s and live on the East Coast of the United States. For almost two years, I've been very happily married to a woman who is both well out of my league and makes me ridiculously happy.

There are some people for whom navigating the world of dating and relationships is a natural and easy thing to do. I wasn't one of those people. While it's true that I had my first girlfriend at age three - a blossoming summer camp romance that would inspire a Nicholas Sparks novel - it's also true that it took a good 14 years before my next one. My first relationship that lasted more than a month wasn't until college, and the first girlfriend I had for more than six months turned into my wife. I dated a decent amount during and after college, but rarely pursued serious relationships if I didn't think there was a potential future. As my grandfather pointed out to much laughter and head-nodding on our wedding day: I had a lot of girlfriends growing up - and I married every one of them. It's fair to say he wasn't too far off the mark.

What I may have lacked in firsthand experience - I was the kind of kid who played cards with Mom and Dad on Friday nights instead of going out - I  made up for in thinking and observing. Luckily, I had good examples close to home. My parents are high school sweethearts who are approaching 40 years of marriage. My two older siblings got married years before I did, so I was able to watch and learn from their example - as the youngest in the family, I guess I was always used to following in someone else's footsteps. It took me a long time to find my own way, but I'm convinced the tough years spent waiting and looking and trying were worth it in the end.  

I suppose my views on all things dating and relationships will come out as we go, but my general philosophy can be summed up in a single sentence: when you find the one you love, and the feeling is reciprocated, there's no better feeling in the world.

I'm extraordinarily lucky that I get to experience this feeling every day, and it's my hope that all of you will be able to as well. If I can help even one person get there, I'll consider this a smashing success.

In Part III, I'll let you know how to contact me directly so we can get started!

Hello World (Part I)

The title of this three-part kickoff entry doubles as the opening words Tiger Woods used at his introductory press conference. Given the fact that this is a dating/relationships advice blog, rest assured that this is the first and last time you'll find me quoting him.

Welcome to the Equal Time Guy blog. I'll be your host - Equal Time Guy. Thank you for coming. I hope you'll stick around and invite others to do the same - though the responsibility for ensuring that happens is on my shoulders, not yours.

I'm well aware that the niche I'm trying to enter - online advice columns - is pretty crowded. There's no shortage of newspapers, magazines, books, blogs, and other forums with far more established  and well-known advice-givers than I.

So why would you come here? What makes this place different than the others?

Three things.

First and foremost, I'm a guy. My goal is to disprove the still-prevalent notion that talking openly and honestly about dating and relationships is something only women care to do (hence the name Equal Time Guy). That's not the case. I want to hear from men who aren't interested in the kind of talk we grew up with in high school locker rooms, but rather respect women and want a thoughtful place to find candid advice. And I want to hear from women who would appreciate a second opinion beyond what their girlfriends offer - that's one important place to find advice, but there's another point-of-view that I believe I can offer. In short, I want this to be a place where emotions can be expressed freely and openly, and where the aim is to find and hold onto love.

Now, to be sure, I'm not the only man who runs a dating/relationships column. So gender shouldn't be - and isn't - the only reason to come here.

The second reason is that here you will get an ongoing dialogue. In the vast majority of advice columns, the questioner writes, the advice-giver responds, and the story ends. Well, the story doesn't end there. I'd much prefer to have a conversation rather than give a lecture or a briefing. If you take the time to write and follow-up, you deserve a response every time. So that is what you will get. This is not to satisfy my curiosity regarding whether my advice worked out well or not, but rather to hopefully be what every advice columnist should aspire to be: a friend.

The third and final reason to come here: if my plan works out, this will be a community. While I do think I can offer sound and meaningful advice, I don't exactly hold a monopoly on all the good ideas out there - far from it. Here, readers will have the opportunity to offer their own comments and feedback to help their fellow advice-seekers. If you have a good idea, share it. If you think my advice misses the mark, and you have a better thought, express it. The floor is always open for thoughts, comments, and suggestions.

So again, welcome to Equal Time. In Part II, I'll tell you a little bit about who I am.